From Good Panty to Peace of Mind
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Today’s blog is a mix of undoing toxic and personal reflection. For many of us we were taught that looking put-together mattered more than feeling whole. Our outer appearance was a reflection of our worth, even if our spirit felt in pieces. This is a love letter to everyone learning that rest isn’t rebellion, that stillness isn’t weakness, and that choosing peace over performance—one morning at a time—is not only possible, it’s necessary. From outer appearance to inner alignment, this is about reclaiming the joy, ease, and grace we were never taught to prioritize. We are undoing the lessons that taught us perfection before peace.
Growing up Jamaican, most things were tied to discipline and appearance. If you know, you know.
Wake up early. Make your bed. Put on good panty in case you drop outside. Don’t wear wrinkled, crushed-up clothes. Wash the matta out of your eye. Don’t stay in bed past a certain time—especially on weekends. And we know, because most of the internet comedians on social platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok create viral content re-enacting these scenarios, and all who can relate are in the comments sharing in their reflections on these experiences.
From a culture of strong morals, values, and discipline, we understand the method to our parents’ and caregivers’ madness. They didn’t want us to be seen as less than or develop bad habits: like to be wutless, without ambition, and lackadaisical, or to be perceived as such. These were lessons passed down with love and intention, rooted in dignity and survival. But over time, they became rules that left little room for rest. For many of us, they shaped an inner voice that says, you should be doing more. Even when we’re tired. Even when we have done enough.
That voice doesn’t just disappear with adulthood—it evolves. It becomes the drive behind hustle culture. It whispers, If you’re not busy, you’re falling behind. Parenting and what we tell our children is so important because these are the lessons that are passed down intergenerationally.
We learn to measure our worth by productivity. We confuse being available with having capacity. We fill our schedules because slowing down feels unsafe. We do not know how to operate in nothingness, stillness, or absence of structure, like a day off.
But here’s the truth I’ve had to learn again and again: availability is not capacity.
Just because you can fit it in doesn’t mean you should. Just because you have time doesn’t mean you have the energy. I can say no, or later, and that is okay. Some days, your best will look like showing up fully and getting everything done. Other days, your best might be taking a nap, eating something nourishing, or sitting in silence. Both are valid. Both are worthy.
Quieting the critical voice takes practice. We have to develop an awareness of when we are being unreasonable with ourselves, saying/thinking things like:
“You’re lazy.”
“You should be doing more.”
“You’re falling behind.”
and responding with something gentler:
“I’m human.”
“I’m doing what I can today.”
“Rest is part of the work.”
Coming into acceptance of your capacity means releasing the shame around not being “on” all the time. It means making peace with your rhythms instead of forcing yourself into someone else’s pace and expectations.
We have glorified being busy for so long that stillness can feel like failure. But the truth is, rest restores what hustle depletes. Joy replenishes what pressure erodes. Doing nothing is not waste—it’s wisdom.
When you start making space for fun, laughter, and lightness, something shifts.
You stop measuring yourself by output and start connecting to your being. You rediscover the parts of you that exist outside of what you produce or can do for others. You start to trust that you don’t have to earn rest—you deserve it no matter what.
Undoing toxic is about balance. It’s honoring the discipline that raised you while also learning the softness that heals you. It’s remembering that joy, too, is productive. And that every day doesn’t have to be a grind.
Reflection Questions:
What early messages shaped your beliefs about work, rest, or discipline?
How do you know when your availability has outpaced your capacity?
What does rest or play look like for you today—not someday, but now?
Thanks for reading.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
Book me as your mental health presenter for speaking engagements, podcasts, panels, and presentations.
Disclaimer:
The intention for using social media for social workers and other mental health professionals is for marketing, education, advocacy, thought leadership, and providing content in a technologically changing field. We want to do this while making potential therapy-seekers aware of the risks and benefits of engagement on social media and Internet where mental health professionals are present. A therapeutic relationship is a professional relationship and in today's technological climate, a social media presence or following your therapist on social media is not to be confused with a relationship outside of therapy. Ethical, professional, and therapeutic boundaries must be followed and honored.
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