Sleeping Next to Your Decision
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Some nights, you don’t toss and turn over a person—you toss and turn over a decision. The one where you finally chose yourself. The one where you didn’t go back. The one where you didn’t respond.
You try to create a new routine to avoid the void of where this relationship dynamic once was. Early or late night calls, texts, associations with days of the week, special moments, holidays. Things no one talks about- making a new normal after a friendship or relationship has ended can be full of grief, and hard to do.
If you are reading this blog, I can imagine we can all relate to having to make a hard and wise decision.
To walk away.
To go no-contact.
To stop explaining in long conversations and paragraphs.
To let go of what kept you stuck and finally accept this is all it can be. Nothing more.
That’s the part we don’t always talk about: The grief that comes after the boundary. The ache that lingers—not because you regret the decision, but because you’re human. You remember what was good. You grieve what never got to be. You wonder if maybe, just maybe, you could’ve made it work. But that wondering doesn’t mean you were wrong. It just means you cared.
And even if no one clapped for your boundary, your nervous system did.
We choose to stay in relationships—friendships, family, romance—at the level of deservingness we believe we are due.
That’s why undoing toxic isn’t just about people.
It’s about the beliefs we carry about ourselves:
"Maybe I was asking for too much."
"Maybe I should’ve stayed quiet."
"Maybe that was the best I could get."
But then they come back.
Spin-the-block moments.
Late-night texts.
“Just checking in.”
Regret disguised as nostalgia.
And it gets confusing. Because you, like me, maybe try to see the best in people and don’t want to be “mean.”
We Don’t Just Choose People: We Choose What We Think We Deserve
The people we attach to—stay for, tolerate, beg, perform for—they often reflect what we believe about ourselves and the level of relationship or lack of relationship offered. Our choices mirror our deepest sense of deservingness. That’s why undoing toxic isn’t just about the other person. It’s about you. And what you were taught to believe about love, safety, and worth.
When someone disrespects you, the relationship you had, leaves or mistreats you, and then comes back with a vague “I’ve been thinking about you,” you may start to question yourself again. Sometimes, this is the moment we have hoped for. They will finally realize who you are and come back. But is that really what you want? If what they chose to do did not work out, then they come back, that makes you not their first choice, but a fall-back, rebound, “safe” option.
The spin-the-block moments hit differently when you’re healing. And come with tough realizations.
Do they want you—or the version of you who didn’t have boundaries?
Because forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation—but some people assume it does. And this is the part that gets people tripped up sometimes. If I am not bothered and truly healed from whatever experience we had, I should be able to engage with this person, no problem. You don’t have to go back to prove you have healed.
People come and go. Some love you deeply but can’t meet you where you are. Others never truly chose you—and that’s the wound you’ve been working to stop reopening.
You don’t owe anyone another chance to cause the same harm.
You owe yourself rest.
You owe yourself truth.
You owe yourself peace that doesn’t require micromanaging someone else's behavior.
Sure, if you ran into each other unexpectedly, unplanned, and needed to navigate that interaction. Maybe. When a spin-the-block spins back around they are checking their access to you. When someone tries to catch you off-guard and unexpectedly, it is a calculated approach hoping for the chance that your defenses aka boundaries are not up. They may even expect to regain the same access, the same privileges, the same version of you. Manipulative tactics may also include (if they get a chance to explain) eliciting pity, discussing difficult life events, setbacks, etc. And this reels you back in to be nice, a listening ear, and emotional support for them. If you are kind enough to offer another chance, they may even behave well for a while to show some change or growth. Remember, a leopard never loses its spots.
Forgiveness Without Access Is Still Forgiveness
Therapist or not, for a long time I struggled with hearing “forgiveness is for you, not them.” I believed in my soul forgiving someone meant I absolved them for their actions and things were all good now and they suffer no consequence for what they did? Absolutely not. No! I disagree, so I am not forgiving. Ever. Not a chance. You’ll never hear my voice again in life. Have a nice life. Well, thank God for growth. Forgiveness is a beautiful, healing thing.
But reconciliation? That’s earned. That’s different.
I forgive everyone (in time) but I do not need to give or agree to reconciliation with everyone. You can forgive someone, and still choose to protect your peace. You can grieve what was lost, without inviting it back in. You can love someone, and still say, “I no longer accept this version of connection.”
And yet, some people think that saying “I’m sorry” is a magic key to unlock the same access they once had. As if the pain didn’t cost you anything. As if the apology cancels the consequence. It’s hard. Because part of you may still have feelings for them and the level of connection that was shared. You might even want to respond.
But:
No response is still a response.
Silence can be self-respect.
Closure doesn’t require a conversation.
Why It’s So Hard to Stand on Your Decision
Because we don’t talk enough about what it feels like after you do the hard thing. After you block the number. After you say no. After you stop hoping they’ll change. You have to be consistent. Toxic relationships get a bad rep for the volatile communication that occurs when two or more people are not in alignment. We want different things and perceive this connection differently. Of course conflict is to then be expected. There can be periods of cutoffs then mind-blowing making up then back to not talking. We really need to look at why that behavior gets labeled as toxic. People make decisions about their relationships everyday: Do I want to keep it or leave it? And everyday people wake up feeling differently. Also okay. What is not okay is once you see a pattern and know it to be true is to allow yourself to be played with and involved in this confusion and chaos. When someone comes back, or leaves, we can take this as absolute truth. They are back because they want to. They left because they want to. Now, they are trying to be back again. Now what?
Healing operates in the realm of “both-and.” This is called duality; two things can be true.
You’re proud of yourself—and still hurting.
You miss them—and still know it had to end.
You feel better—and still cry sometimes.
This is what healing actually looks like. It’s not always clarity and peace. Sometimes it’s tension. Sometimes it’s loneliness. Sometimes it’s laying in bed, sleeping next to your decision, and wondering if your growth will ever stop costing so much.
But then you remember:
The pain of being chosen second, or not at all
The weight of constantly explaining yourself and your pain.
The exhaustion of never feeling safe and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
That was never love. That was performance. That was survival.
Undoing Toxic Is a Practice, Not a Perfect Goodbye
If you’re someone who struggles with guilt, who second-guesses themselves, who sometimes scrolls through old messages wondering if you were “too much” or “not enough”—
Please know:
Sleeping next to your decision isn’t punishment.
It’s the quiet reward of someone who finally stopped abandoning themselves.
You can miss them and still move forward.
You can be kind and still protect your energy.
You can be loving and still say: “That door is closed.”
Every time you choose peace over chaos, silence over reactivity, boundaries over guilt—that’s healing. That’s undoing toxic.
Here’s what helps:
Protect your energy like you would a child you love.
Remind yourself why it had to end.
Honor the grief of not being chosen—without going back to where you were hurt.
It’s hard to stand on your decision when your heart is soft.
But sleeping next to your decision means resting with the truth of who you’re becoming—
Not shrinking back into who they expected you to be.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
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