Undoing Toxic: The Illusion of "Before"
There is something about returning to a familiar place that quietly asks you, Who are you now?
Recently, I found myself back in a place I hadn't visited in three years. Back in Central America, I noticed the landscape in Costa Rica hadn't changed much. The palm trees still stretched toward the sky, swaying with the same ease they always had. The ocean still met the shore with its familiar rhythm, each wave arriving exactly when it was supposed to. The mornings were slow…the kind that invite you to linger over coffee instead of rushing to the next thing. Exchanging a simple, warm "Buenas" as people pass by on the street, expecting nothing in return except shared humanity. There were long walks, fresh fruit, meals that lasted well beyond the food itself, and a pace of life that reminded me how much beauty exists when we're not constantly trying to outrun time.
Everything around me felt familiar. Yet, everything felt different. Not because the country had changed, because I had.
Three years doesn't sound like a long time until you stop and count everything life held in between.
The last time I was there, I was in a different season of life. I was single and content in many ways, yet quietly hoping for connection. Since then, I've navigated profound grief, gone deeper in my own healing, strengthened some relationships, released others, and learned more about myself than I ever expected.
As I walked roads that once felt familiar, I realized I wasn't comparing trips. I was meeting a previous version of myself.
There was a quiet tenderness in recognizing her. I remembered what she hoped for. What she feared. What she believed love was supposed to feel like. I found myself smiling at how much compassion I now have for the woman I was then.
One of the biggest changes wasn't in my circumstances; It was in what I long for. There was a time when intensity felt exciting. When uncertainty felt like chemistry. When emotional highs and lows felt like passion. I didn't always recognize that what kept me emotionally activated wasn't necessarily what kept me emotionally safe.
Today, I find myself wanting something different.
Calm.
Safety.
Consistency.
Peace.
Healing has a way of changing your appetite.
As I sat listening to the trees blowing in the wind, I found myself thinking about something I've been exploring while working on my Undoing Toxic book draft: Why do we spend so much time wanting to go back?
Back before the breakup.
Back before the betrayal.
Back before the phone call.
Back before life split into "before" and "after."
In his book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller describes what he calls "rough initiations"—experiences that fundamentally change us. Grief. Trauma. Heartbreak. Loss. They don't simply happen to us; they initiate us into a new understanding of ourselves and of life. Once we've crossed those thresholds, there is no returning to who we were before.
I have thought about this often in my work as a therapist.
After betrayal, people often tell me they just want things to go back to how they were.
After loss, they long for the version of themselves that existed before the world shifted beneath their feet.
Trauma survivors frequently romanticize the "before." The day before. The moment before. The life before.
It makes sense.
The "before" feels safe because it existed before we knew what was coming.
But the truth is, the "before" wasn't perfect. There were still difficult conversations waiting to happen. Relationships that needed attention. Parts of ourselves still asking to be healed. What we really miss isn't a perfect life. We miss being the person who hadn't yet learned that particular truth.
Some truths permanently alter us. Once trust has been broken, you cannot unknow what you know. Once you've experienced profound loss, you cannot unknow how precious ordinary moments are.
Once you've done enough healing to experience genuine peace, chaos no longer feels like home.
That doesn't mean life is ruined.
It means life is different.
As I reflected on this trip, I realized something else. Sometimes we return to places, relationships, memories, or old versions of ourselves because we're hoping to find something we left behind. We tell ourselves we just want to see what's there one more time.
But nostalgia has a funny way of editing the story.
It remembers the sunsets more vividly than the storms.
The laughter more easily than the loneliness.
The beginning more fondly than the ending.
It quietly convinces us that if we could just go back, maybe this time it would feel different.
Maybe that's why creating distance after certain endings matters. Not because we're trying to erase our history, but because distance allows memory to make room for truth. With enough time, we stop longing for what we imagined and begin appreciating what actually was.
Returning to Costa Rica didn't make me wish for my old life back. It made me grateful for the one I have built since.
As another summer and birthday approaches, I find myself thinking less about timelines and more about transformation. The life I imagined hasn't unfolded exactly the way I expected. Some people I thought would always be here are no longer part of my story. Others arrived quietly, almost unexpectedly, and have become gifts I couldn't have planned for.
That's the thing about healing. You rarely notice it while it's happening. Then one day, you find yourself standing in a place that once held an older version of you.
You expect to feel the urge to go back. Sometimes looking back isn't an invitation to return. Sometimes it's simply evidence of how beautifully you've changed and the distance you've traveled. But instead of feeling behind, I found myself feeling quietly grateful. Grateful for the relationships that stayed and nourished me. Grateful for the ones that taught me difficult, necessary lessons. Grateful for the ones I had the courage to release so I could move forward. Sometimes we go back looking for closure or answers. Instead, we find affirmation—confirmation that we've grown in ways we didn't fully see before. Confirmation that our standards have risen and our boundaries have become clearer. Confirmation that peace now settles in more readily and feels more like home than chaos ever did. It becomes an act of honoring the person you were, embracing the person you've become, and trusting that some chapters are meant to be revisited for perspective—not relived.
Undoing toxic isn't forgetting your past. It's being able to revisit it and realize... you no longer want to live there.
Closing Reflection
If you find yourself wanting to go back, get curious before you get moving. Ask yourself:
What are you searching for?
What are you hoping to find?
Is there an answer you still need? A conversation you wish had gone differently? A version of yourself you miss? A wound that is still asking for your attention?
Sometimes our desire to return has less to do with a person, a place, or a relationship and more to do with what that chapter represents. Maybe you are searching for innocence before betrayal. Certainty before the loss. Hope before the disappointment. Or maybe you're longing for the version of yourself who hadn't yet learned how painful life could be.
Healing doesn't ask us to become who we were before; It invites us to become someone new.
Thank you for reading.
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