Frogs Don’t Turn Into Princes

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Today’s blog was inspired by conversation on love, hopefulness, and at what point do we let go of cyclical and unaligned relationships. At some point we learned about this fairytale with the frog, the princess, and the prince. We adopted the idea that if we just loved someone hard enough, believed in their potential long enough, sacrificed ourselves deeply, they would transform and become who and what we wanted. The frog would eventually become a prince. The situationship would turn into safety. The chaos would settle into commitment. The relationship would work out.

But real life is not a storybook, and grown adults do not magically become emotionally available just because we hoped they would or convinced them. One of the hardest parts of undoing toxic patterns is admitting when we have been in love with the idea of someone rather than the reality of who they are. We cling to “potential” because it keeps the dream alive, and walking away from the dream feels like another heartbreak. Heartbreak is a form of grief.

But here is the truth we learn over and over:

Potential is not partnership. Intention is not action. And hope is not a strategy.

Hope is beautiful, but it can also become the very thing that keeps us tangled in situations we have already outgrown. We tell ourselves stories: Maybe with time… maybe if I’m more understanding… maybe after the holidays… maybe once things “settle.” But the truth is plain and painful:

Hope can keep you stuck.
Red flags are information.
And things are exactly what they look like.

Sometimes, we get attached to the version of someone we built in our minds, not the person standing in front of us. We wait for emotional consistency from people who have only ever given us breadcrumbs. We confuse the spark; that electric, addictive chemistry and intimacy as undeniable compatibility that “must mean something.” But chemistry without stability is a rollercoaster, not a relationship.

Decentering Men and the Male Gaze Is Not Bitterness — It’s Balance

Many of us, especially as women, were conditioned to make romantic love the center of our identity. So when it doesn’t work out, we blame ourselves for choosing frogs, instead of questioning why we were taught to search the pond for salvation in the first place.

Decentering men does not mean rejecting love; it means you stop losing yourself in the pursuit of it. It means your life gets bigger than who texts back, who chooses you, or who finally “comes around.”

What Is the Male Gaze? The male gaze is the way women are socialized to see themselves through the eyes of men: to prioritize how they are viewed, desired, chosen, or validated by men. It’s not just about appearance; it’s about shaping your behavior, personality, and choices around being acceptable, likable, or attractive to a male audience. It’s the internal pressure to be “watchable.” Being noticed yields the hope of being chosen.

Over time, this conditioning teaches us that our value is reflected back through male approval, instead of rooted in their own identity, desires, or self-defined worth. In the digital and social media space this is quantified by likes, loves, shares, comments, messages, and requests to connect.

Decentering men isn’t about shutting love out. It’s about returning yourself to the center of your own life. It’s the shift from performing to be chosen to choosing yourself first. When you decenter men, your self-worth stops hinging on:

• who texts back

• who stays

• who commits

• who finally “comes around”

It’s not bitterness, it’s balance. It’s realizing that love is one part of your story, not the whole plot. It’s understanding that peace, fulfillment, and identity cannot be outsourced to romance.

How Women Respond to the Male Gaze

Conscious behaviors:

• Adjusting appearance to look “worth noticing,” especially in situations where men might be present.

• Modifying personality — being more agreeable, softer, quieter, or “easygoing” to seem more appealing.

• Overthinking text responses to sound cool, cute, not “too much,” or not “too demanding.”

• Staying in situations longer than you want because you don’t want to seem rude, difficult, or high-maintenance.

• Comparing yourself to other women through a lens of “Who would men choose?”

• Saying yes when you want to say no out of fear of losing approval or interest.

Unconscious behaviors:

• Scanning a room and assessing your attractiveness before you assess your comfort or desire to be there.

• Measuring your worth by relationship status, even when life is full and fulfilling.

• Feeling “behind” if you’re single, even when you know logically you’re building a strong, healthy life.

• Confusing being desired with being valued, which keeps toxic dynamics feeling “magnetic.”

• Softening your accomplishments to avoid intimidating potential partners.

• Staying loyal to potential because you’ve been conditioned to see men as projects instead of partners.

• Internalizing rejection as a reflection of your flaws, not as a mismatch.

• Choosing peacekeeper energy over authentic self-expression because you’ve learned that being “pleasant” keeps you wanted.

Undoing Toxic: What Letting Go of Potential Sounds Like

“I deserve someone who is available today — not eventually.”

“Consistency matters more than chemistry.”

“My peace is more important than waiting for someone to change.”

“I don’t chase clarity. If it’s not here, it’s a no.”

This is the work: not becoming colder, but becoming clearer.

Avoidantly attached partners often amplify this confusion. They aren’t villains; many of them are decent people with deep fears around closeness. But their presence teaches us something we typically weren’t taught growing up: taking care of your own needs first is not selfish; it’s necessary. Avoidants push us toward a lesson we often resist: stop over-functioning for love that isn’t reciprocated.

And yet, during the holidays, the temptation to overlook all of this grows. Loneliness, nostalgia, and seasonal pressure make almost-relationships feel almost enough. Holiday FOMO convinces us that someone, even the wrong someone, is better than no one. But truthfully: Not having someone can hurt, but being with the wrong someone slowly erodes your peace. This is where undoing toxic patterns begins: with clarity. With calling things what they are and accepting that hope alone is not a treatment plan for inconsistency.

Attachment Isn’t an Excuse — It’s a Map

Awareness doesn’t fix everything, but it gives you a compass. Understanding your attachment style helps you understand your patterns:

• Anxious attachment chases potential and confusion.

• Avoidant attachment pulls back from closeness and vulnerability.

• Secure attachment chooses clarity, consistency, and reciprocity.

Chemistry Is Loud, Intimacy Is Quiet

It’s easy to choose the spark. It’s harder to choose the steady glow.
Remember:

• Chemistry excites the nervous system

• Intimacy calms it

• Chemistry is instant

• Intimacy is earned

Don’t confuse intensity for connection and don’t confuse potential for partnership.

If You're Struggling to Let Go

Letting go is a process. Here’s where the fairy tale ends and the real work begins. Letting go doesn’t always “click” or feel good. Sometimes it’s slow, painful, and repetitive. If you’re not ready yet, try:

• Honesty: Name the pattern out loud to yourself.

• Distance: Reduce emotional exposure (texting, talking, checking socials).

• Re-centering: Pour into things that bring you stability: routine, rest, community.

• Reality-checking: Revisit the moments that hurt, not just the fantasy.

• Support: Therapy, journaling, or talking to someone that can help ground you.

Choosing Yourself Is the Real Plot Twist

When you shift your focus away from trying to make someone become “your person,” you create room for your own life to expand. You reclaim energy, creativity, and clarity. You make peace a priority. And you stop outsourcing your worthiness.

Some things to choose instead:

• Consistency over confusion

• Reciprocity over potential

• Calm over chaos

• Presence over promises

• Yourself over fantasy

Because at the end of the day, frogs don’t actually turn into princes. Look at what is in front of you, not what you hope it will someday become. The moment you stop rewriting people in your head, your life finally has space to be written in truth.

Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com

Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)

For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.

Book me as your mental health presenter for speaking engagements, podcasts, panels, and presentations.

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