Too Busy For Presence
Happy First Sunday of May and welcome back to the Undoing Toxic blog. Subscribe on the blog’s homepage to never miss another update.
This week, the words “too busy” stuck with me and I decided to expand on that for today’s blog. We live in an overscheduled world. Calendars packed with meetings, errands, social obligations, and endless to-do lists. We multitask our way through most things, and by the time we fall into bed, we wonder where the time went. And yet, for all this busyness, how often are we fully present?
Life inside and outside of the therapy space, I have often heard some say, “I’m just too busy to process this right now” or “I don’t have time to feel or think about xyz.” But here’s the thing: our emotions don’t disappear just because we’ve pushed them down or placed them on the back burner. They wait—for our quiet moments, for when the distractions fade, for when our bodies and minds slow down enough to listen.
The truth is we need time to process. Big things, small things, and everything in between. We need to allow ourselves time to grieve. We also need time to cry. But in a capitalistic culture that rewards productivity over presence, these moments are often treated as indulgences rather than necessities. To participate in such emotional tasks are even seen as wasting time to some people.
Think about how we talk about time in relationships:
“If they wanted to, they would.”
“If someone doesn’t make time for you, they don’t value you.”
We understand that time is a measure of care, desire, and priority. If someone consistently shows up, carves out time, makes themselves available to us, we feel loved, valued and wanted.
So what makes us not apply this same principle to ourselves? Why do we treat rest, reflection, or emotional processing as optional, a time-waster—or worse, something that makes us lazy? If we never make time to sit with ourselves, what message are we sending to our own hearts?
Time is more than a resource—it is a reflection of what we value. And sometimes, we need to remind ourselves: being “too busy” isn’t always a fact; it’s often a choice. The question is, what are we choosing? And what are we unconsciously leaving behind?
But it’s not just about where we give—or withhold—time. It’s about how we give it.
Some of us are chronic over-givers. We stretch ourselves thin, overextend, say yes when we’re already at capacity. We pour and pour and pour, hoping that giving more will secure love, belonging, or approval. We people-please our way into exhaustion. We make time for everyone… except ourselves.
Others may guard their time fiercely, not out of balance, but out of avoidance. They stay “too busy” as a shield, keeping relationships at arm’s length. They withhold their time not because they don’t have it, but because they fear what intimacy might ask of them. Time becomes a boundary—but also a wall.
In both cases, time is being exchanged like currency. For the over-giver, time is a transaction: “If I keep showing up for you, maybe you’ll stay.” For the avoidant, time is withheld like a scarce resource: “If I keep myself busy, I won’t have to feel too close—or too vulnerable.”
What are we afraid of when it comes to giving our time freely, with presence and intention? What feels risky about slowing down enough to let people—or even ourselves—in?
Often, the fear is this: if I show up fully, I might be seen. If I am seen, I might be judged. If I am judged, I might be rejected. And if I am rejected, it will hurt.
Busyness, then, becomes both a distraction and a defense. It keeps us from the discomfort of vulnerability, but also from the joy of deep and intentional connection.
How can we be more mindful, even when we’re busy?
Pause intentionally. Even five minutes to breathe, stretch, or check in with your emotions is powerful.
Schedule emotional space. Just like a meeting or appointment, put “me time” on the calendar and honor it.
Be honest about your capacity. Saying no is not selfish; it’s self-preservation.
Notice where your time goes. Is your busyness aligned with your values, or are you filling space to avoid discomfort?
Examine your time patterns. Are you giving time to seek approval? Withholding it to avoid intimacy?
Let presence be the goal, not perfection. You don’t need hours of uninterrupted peace—small, mindful moments matter.
When we give time to ourselves and to others in meaningful, intentional ways, we affirm value—not just in the relationship, but in ourselves. We say: I matter. My emotions matter. My healing matters. And so do the people I choose to be present with.
And maybe, just maybe, the next time we’re tempted to say “I’m too busy,” we’ll ask ourselves: too busy for what… or too busy for whom?
Reflection questions:
What am I making time for out of obligation rather than alignment?
Where am I over-giving in hopes of earning love or validation?
Where am I withholding time out of fear of intimacy or vulnerability?
How can I reclaim time as an act of care—for myself and for the relationships I want to nurture?
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
Book me as your mental health presenter for speaking engagements, podcasts, panels, and presentations.
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