Beyond the Card: Real Talk About Mother’s Day and Healing
Happy Mother’s Day and welcome back to the Undoing Toxic Blog. If you are new to my audience, do not forget to subscribe to never miss another blog.
Undoing toxic mother-daughter relationships has been the niche focus of my private therapy practice for the past five years. People are most fascinated on what I share and reflect regarding this very special relationship, how women navigate friendship, and more. This is a very sacred time to reflect on not just the difficulties that exist between some mothers and daughters but also to celebrate women.
Previous blogs about Mother’s Day: The Origin of the Mother-Daughter Wound (click here to read)
I do not think all mother-daughter relationships are toxic. I have seen examples of strong family connections. Do I think even well-adjusted relationships struggle? Absolutely. And the Mother’s Day holiday can bring us face to face with the full spectrum of longing, loss, love, and complexity. For some, it’s a day of joy and celebration. For others, it’s a sharp reminder of what was missing, what was broken, or what never fully came to be in their own relationships. If your relationship with your mother is toxic, strained, or simply complicated, this day can bring a deep sense of unease. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to untangle love from obligation, or trying to reconcile good memories with deep wounds. When we talk about grief, we often think of death. But there’s another kind of grief that’s harder to name: relationship grief. It’s the ache of having a mother who was physically present but emotionally absent. It’s the sorrow of realizing your relationship was never safe, nourishing, or reciprocal. It is the quiet mourning for the mother you wish you had—the one who could hold your pain without making it about herself. This grief can be especially hard to ignore on Mother’s Day.
The truth is, our culture tends to paint motherhood in very black and white terms. Things are either good, or bad, no in between. We are flooded with images of happy families, sentimental cards, and reminders to “honor your mother.” But there’s often little room in that narrative for the people whose stories don’t fit this mold.
Maybe your mother-daughter relationship has been a source of emotional whiplash—warm one moment, icy the next. Maybe you’ve been gaslit, dismissed, or emotionally abandoned. Maybe she’s shown up in ways that were more about control than care. Or maybe you’re in a season of low or no contact, trying to heal and figure out what a healthy distance looks like. I call this the “nice/nasty dance”—those moments when you feel pulled back in by temporary kindness, only to be hurt again. It’s a cycle that keeps you guessing, and on days like Mother’s Day, it can feel especially loud. Holidays have a way of stirring up guilt and old patterns. You might be wondering:
Do I send a text, even if we haven’t spoken in months?
Should I show up because “it’s the right thing to do”?
What will my family think if I skip it altogether?
Remember: You are allowed to make choices that protect your mental and emotional health. And those choices might look different from year to year, depending on where you are in your healing process.
Honoring the Many Forms of Mothering
But even as we acknowledge the pain, we can also expand the definition of mothering. Not every mother is biological or legal. Some mothers are grandmothers, aunties, big sisters, mentors, godmothers, neighbors, teachers. Some are friends who sat with us in our darkest moments. Some are strangers who showed unexpected kindness when we were most in need.
These are the women who stood in the gap—who showed up, held space, offered love in places where we may have felt we were lacking in receiving maternal love. Their care may not fit the traditional mold, but it is no less sacred. We thank you.
Celebrating Womanhood and the Power of Nurture
This day can also be a chance to honor womanhood itself—the power of creation, care, and nurture that lives within all of us, regardless of whether we have children. Many women are mothering in quiet, unseen ways: tending to friends, building communities, holding families together, and healing themselves.
If you are someone who has had to learn how to mother yourself—to become your own source of safety, soothing, and validation—you are doing profound and courageous work. Reparenting isn’t just a trendy term; it’s a radical act of reclaiming your right to feel whole. If you’re in the process of reparenting yourself—learning to meet your own needs in ways your mother couldn’t—you’re doing sacred work. You are breaking cycles, healing wounds, and learning to trust your own inner guidance. That deserves acknowledgment.
Duality- Making Space for Both/And
It’s okay if today feels messy. You can:
Grieve and celebrate.
Feel gratitude and anger.
Honor your mother’s efforts and acknowledge her harm.
Celebrate others while protecting your own peace.
Feel proud of your resilience while mourning what you’ve lost.
It’s all valid. You don’t have to choose just one story to tell about your experience.
Reflection Invitations
Who are the women who have mothered me, in small or significant ways?
What does womanhood mean to me, outside of roles and expectations?
How am I learning to mother myself—what does that look like today?
What would it feel like to hold space for both grief and gratitude?
What emotions are coming up for me as Mother’s Day approaches?
What feels like the most loving choice I can make for myself this year?
How have I grown in my understanding of mothering and care?
Who in my life models the kind of love and nurturance I value?
Some Grounding Reminders:
🌿 Mixed emotions don’t mean you’re broken. You can feel sadness for what’s been lost, gratitude for what’s been good, and anger for what’s been harmful—all at once. These emotions can coexist without canceling each other out.
🌿 Boundaries are not cruelty. You are not being a “bad daughter” for setting limits, even (and especially) on holidays. Boundaries are a form of clarity and self-respect.
🌿 You don’t owe anyone a performance. Maybe you feel pressure to post a glowing tribute or show up to brunch like nothing’s wrong. Remember: social media is a highlight reel, not a rulebook for your real life.
🌿 It’s okay to feel numb. For some, the hardest part isn’t the anger—it’s the emptiness. If you feel detached or indifferent, that’s worth honoring too. Numbness is often your body’s way of protecting you.
🌿 Find your own meaning. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be only about your biological mother. It can also be a day to celebrate the people who’ve nurtured you—friends, mentors, aunties, chosen family. Or maybe it’s a moment to honor yourself and how far you’ve come.
Whether you’re celebrating with open arms, sitting in quiet reflection, or shielding your heart to get through it—know that you are seen, and your experience matters. Undoing toxic patterns and reclaiming your own sense of worth is not a one-day journey. It’s lifelong work, and every step counts.
So here’s to the mothers.
Here’s to the women who stood in the gap.
Here’s to those reparenting themselves with fierce love.
Here’s to the complicated, the courageous, the in-between.
And here’s to you. Happy Mother’s Day.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
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