Turn Over Every Rock — One Last Chance Before Calling It Quits
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Blogs lately have been relationship-heavy, and I think that is what is on most people’s minds. How do we know if we are being too tolerant or too harsh in holding onto relationships or letting them go.
If you’ve ever asked yourself: Is it really over? Am I giving up too soon? Am I staying too long? — you’re not alone.
In my years as a couples and family relationship therapist, I have witnessed this type of heartbreak up close. Couples show up after years of repeating the same fight in different costumes. Some overall themes shared have been there is much love, and so much arguing that it hurts. Hating being in a position where partners are sending low-blows as defensive stances in arguments. Or, sharing a home and feeling like strangers, barely talking, barely engaging, and please don’t ask us the last time we had sex.
When I ask couples in therapy, “Do you love each other?” — the answer is usually yes. But when I ask, “Do you like each other?” … that’s when the silence hangs heavy in the room.
Sometimes it’s not about whether love is gone. It’s really about whether you can still stand each other’s everyday humanness — the cereal chewing, the nail clipping, the tiny habits that start wars when there’s a mountain of unresolved resentment underneath.
And maybe most important of all:
Do you like who you are with them?
Do they bring out the version of you that you’re proud of — or the one you barely recognize anymore?
What did I gather from all of this? Yes, folks were experiencing and sometimes perpetuating deep emotional pain, and with tailored support, we could stop the cycle. And if I’m honest, when I started out as a young, green, couples therapist I thought I could save every couple and every family from splitting. My perspective has changed since then to include ALL possible outcomes. So, I ask, before you go, let’s turn over every rock.
The Six-Year Secret
Here’s what research tells us: the average couple (married or unmarried) waits six years to seek help for a problem that’s been slowly rotting the foundation of their relationship. Six years of walking on eggshells. Six years of rolling your eyes behind closed doors. Six years of that one chewing sound making you want to scream.
Most people don’t leave because they don’t love each other. They stay because they do. But they forget to ask a braver question: Do I like this person? Do I like myself with them?
Turn Over Every Rock — One Last Chance Before Calling It Quits
Before you walk away, ask yourself: have you really turned over every rock? What have I done to address this issue? What has my partner done? What are we doing about it together? Reminder, our partners are not mindreaders. Knowing someone or being in relationship with them for even many years does not equate to “they should just know.” How do people know what we have not made explicit?
In my work, I see so many couples who endure the same fight, hope things will magically get better, but never do the hard, messy work of actually changing.
If you’re on the edge — heartsick but not quite ready to leave — promise yourself this:
Don’t quit before you’ve tried everything that feels honest and true.
That means:
Say the truths you’ve been swallowing for years.
Ask the questions you’re terrified to ask.
Go to therapy and use what you learn at home, when it’s hardest.
Talk about the fights beneath the fights — not just the dishes, the phones, the noise, but the betrayal, the loneliness, the fear.
When It’s More of the Same, But You’re Not Ready to Leave
Let’s be real: not everyone reading this is ready to pack up and go. Some of you want it to work — but more of the same is driving you to the brink.
So before you jump ship or resign yourself to quiet misery, here’s what I encourage my clients (and myself) to do:
Turn over every rock.
If you and your partner are going to give therapy a try, really commit to that. Do not just do one half-hearted therapy session. Not one apologetic weekend getaway. Real effort looks like both people digging deep:
Have the uncomfortable conversation about what is really on the table
Go to therapy and apply what you learn outside of sessiona
Tell the truth about your resentment — not to punish, but to finally clean the wound.
Most relationships don’t break because they’re unsalvageable — they break because both people stop doing the real work.
2. Stop arguing about what’s not the problem.
Fights are rarely about the garbage, dishes, dirty clothes, or who’s cooking tonight. There is underlying meaning and emotion including invalidation, feeling unseen, taken for granted, lack of appreciation, fear, rejection, loneliness, betrayal, etc. Get curious: What is this fight really about?
Ask: When did we stop feeling like a team?
3. Check your role in the cycle.
No one wants to hear this, but here it is: toxic patterns are co-created. Maybe they gaslight or stonewall — and maybe you poke the wound in ways you’re not proud of either. Healing starts when both people stop pointing fingers and start owning their part.
4. Notice what stays unsaid.
What would you say if you weren’t so afraid they’d shut down, blow up, or walk away? Sometimes we swallow the truest truths until they eat us up inside.
5. Decide what “better” looks like — together.
Do you both want the same outcome? Sometimes two good people want wildly different lives: kids or no kids, open or monogamous, city or suburbs. If your visions can’t align without you betraying your deepest self, love alone won’t fix that.
When You’ve Tried Everything
If you’ve turned over every rock, told every truth, worked through therapy, and still find yourself lonely in the same room — it might be time to ask: Am I staying because I’m scared to leave, or because we truly have more to grow together?
Leaving isn’t the worst thing. Sometimes staying stuck is.
A Note of Hope
I’ve seen couples who were sure they were done find their way back to each other with new honesty, new skills, and a new kind of love. I’ve also seen people find themselves again — their voice, their worth, their peace — by bravely choosing to let go.
Both paths require courage. Both can be healing.
You do not owe anyone your forever just because you gave them your time.
If you’re stuck, ask yourself:
What patterns do I keep repeating in this relationship?
What am I afraid to say out loud?
What part of me comes alive here — and what part of me withers?
If I loved myself deeply, what would I choose next?
You deserve love that doesn’t keep you guessing whether you’re lovable. You deserve a love that feels safe, soft, and steady — not a love that keeps you guessing or keeps you small. Turn over every rock. Then choose yourself, no matter what you find.
If this resonated with you
Share this with someone stuck in the same loop. And if you need help untangling the cycle, therapy might be your first rock to turn over. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
Book me as your mental health presenter for speaking engagements, podcasts, panels, and presentations.
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