Speak Without Shrinking- You’re Not ‘Too Much’ for Wanting to Be Understood
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I don’t know about you, but lately I have been having “life come full circle” moments along with how would older versions of me and the current version of me handle challenging situations. I have written about developing personal strength and my own struggles in learning how to use my voice. When necessary, when risky, when I realized if I don’t speak up, who will? And recognizing we sometimes have to do these things scared and do them anyways.
Being and feeling scared is a human emotional experience. It’s normal. And with that, another response may come into play- overexplaining and overapologizing.
I am so guilty of this even when I encourage others not to do this unnecessarily. It’s not that I am exempt from this practice, sometimes we fall into old ways of being to keep the peace, make others happy, and often we are impacted and not considered when trying to keep the peace around us. Remember: some people may want what they want at whatever cost, even if it is not favorable for you.
Another thing I notice as a part of the human experience sometimes is, if we accept or internalize fault/blame for a situation, we can take control of it and fix it. And there, things are all better. It can be exhausting to have to do this kind of emotional labor. And there comes a moment of realization when we realize there is not a need to overcompensate in this way.
There’s a unique kind of freedom that comes when you realize you no longer need to explain yourself to everyone.
Not in relationships.
Not at work.
Not even to family.
At first, this feels uncomfortable. You may feel guilt creep in. You may feel the urge to over-explain, to apologize again, to make sure no one sees you as "rude" or "too much."
But here’s the truth: people who are committed to misunderstanding you will always twist your words, no matter how carefully you say them. And when you notice that pattern, it becomes a moment of awakening.
Awareness: What Does It Mean to Stop Explaining Yourself?
Stopping doesn’t mean you become cold, dismissive, or shut down emotionally. It means you start to notice when:
You are explaining the same boundary over and over again.
You are justifying your needs to people who routinely ignore them.
You feel like you're "on trial" in your relationships more than you're feeling seen.
You leave conversations feeling emotionally drained and still not heard.
It’s not your job to shrink yourself for the comfort of others. It’s not your job to carry someone else's inability to hold space for your truth.
Over-Apologizing: A Trauma Response, Not a Personality Trait
Many of us—especially those who grew up around criticism, emotional volatility, or codependency—learned to survive by being agreeable. We learned to say "sorry" just to keep the peace. Over time, this becomes muscle memory.
Examples of over-apologizing might sound like:
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be too sensitive.”
“Sorry, I just wanted to clarify what I meant.”
“Sorry for bringing it up again—I know it’s probably annoying.”
But let’s be real:
You’re not being annoying.
You’re trying to advocate for yourself.
And you’re allowed to do that without guilt.
How to Know Someone Is Committed to Misunderstanding You
This is where your energy gets drained—trying to be “enough” for someone who has already decided they won’t listen. Watch for these signs:
They interrupt or deflect when you express your feelings.
They downplay your experiences with phrases like “You’re being too sensitive” or “That’s not what I meant.”
They focus more on defending their character than understanding your reality.
They act confused every single time you bring up the same issue.
They only listen to respond—not to understand.
This isn’t misunderstanding. This is manipulation disguised as confusion. It’s emotional gaslighting. And you don’t owe those people your emotional labor.
Reclaiming Your Power
Replace Apologies with Clarity
Instead of “Sorry I’m being difficult,” you can try saying:
“This is important to me.”
Instead of “Sorry I can’t make it,” try:
“I won’t be able to attend—thanks for understanding.”Use the ‘One-Time Rule’
Express your truth once. If someone continuously dismisses or distorts it, stop explaining. Start observing.Practice Silence
Not everything needs a response. Not every comment needs correction. Let your boundaries speak louder than your words.Set Boundaries Without Defending Them
“I’m not available for that.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
These are complete sentences. They don’t require backstories or approval.Unfollow, Block, Mute—Liberation Tools, Not Aggression
Energy protectors aren’t rude. They’re sacred.
Reflection Prompt:
Where in your life are you still over-explaining your needs to someone who has shown you they don’t want to understand?
Call to Action:
This week, catch yourself before you apologize for simply existing. Pause, breathe, and replace the apology with self-respect. Let that be your new default.
Remember: Speak without shrinking- You are not “too much’” for wanting to be understood.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
Book me as your mental health presenter for speaking engagements, podcasts, panels, and presentations.
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