Undoing Toxic: 5 Lessons from 5 Years in Business
Welcome back! I am happy to announce tomorrow is my official private practice anniversary: therapywithmo turns five.
Five years of holding space. Five years of witnessing healing. Five years of helping clients undo toxic patterns and find their way back to themselves.
When I started this work, I was not completely sure it would even be possible. I told myself things like, “not right now,” “I need more experience,” “Maybe after 10-15 years in social work practice,” “I need to be more seasoned.” A list of excuses.
In 2020, in the midst of the pandemic, so much was uncertain. I questioned whether it was the right time to launch a business at all. Then, on the night of my 30th birthday, two friends and colleagues gifted me my first year of malpractice insurance with the words: “We believe in you.”
That gift was more than practical—it was the push I needed to take the leap. From there, I went on to find some of my community, my friends, and people I now hold so near to my heart.
This past year reminded me even more how fragile and sacred life is. I stood in the midst of incredible loss and grief, and yet, I kept showing up—for my clients, for my community, and for myself. The encouragement I received from friends, family, and so many of you made it possible.
To mark this milestone, I’ve been reflecting on what these years have taught me—not just about therapy, but about relationships, healing, and life. Here are 5 lessons from 5 years of undoing toxic:
1. Healing isn’t linear, but it’s always possible.
We often want healing to look like a straight line—steady improvement, no setbacks, no backtracking. But the reality is much messier. Healing feels like two steps forward and one step back, and sometimes it’s sitting in stillness before you’re ready to move again. I can admit, everytime life started feeling calm or normal again, I found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Too good to be true.” Enjoy moments of calm even in a storm.
The lesson I’ve learned, both in my own grief and in my clients’ stories, is that healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about continuing to show up for yourself, even on the days when you feel stuck or overwhelmed. Every small step, every boundary set, every moment of self-kindness counts. Healing is always possible, even when it doesn’t look the way we imagined.
2. Boundaries are an act of love, not rejection.
Boundaries often get a bad reputation—they are misunderstood as being harsh, cold, or a way of pushing people away. But I have come to see boundaries as one of the most compassionate tools we have.
Boundaries protect our energy, our peace, and our values. They make room for healthier, more authentic relationships to grow. When we set boundaries, we’re not saying, “I don’t care about you.” We’re saying, “I care about both of us enough to create clarity.” That’s love.
Whether it is taking a break from constant availability, saying no to family expectations, or carving out time for rest, boundaries are a way of honoring yourself while respecting others.
3. Mother-daughter dynamics impact us more than we realize.
This is the niche focus of my work. And I have had the privilege to witness, reflect, and intervene on some of the most delicate sort of relational pain. As a woman, I cannot emphasize how much our parent-child relationships are apart of who we are and mother-daughter relationships shape our sense of self. These are often the first mirrors we have—teaching us what love looks like, how conflict is handled, and what it means to be cared for or lack thereof.
Even when the relationship is strained, distant, or complicated, its impact echoes into adulthood. It can influence how we set boundaries, how we connect in friendships and romantic relationships, how we talk to ourselves, and what we search for in others.
Undoing toxic often means going back to these early lessons and asking:
What did I learn about myself here?
Do I want to carry this forward, or is it time to unlearn it?
Healing doesn’t always mean repairing the relationship itself—it often begins with repairing the relationship you have with yourself.
4. Community and connection are the antidote to shame.
Shame thrives in silence. It tells us we are alone in our struggles, that no one else could understand, that we should keep our stories hidden. But the moment we begin to share—even in small, trusted spaces—shame starts to lose its grip.
In therapy, in friendships, or in community spaces, I have seen the transformative power of simply being witnessed. Having someone look at you with compassion instead of judgment changes everything. It allows us to see that we are not broken—we are human.
Undoing toxic patterns requires safe relationships where vulnerability can exist without fear. That’s why trusted community is so essential. Healing does not happen in isolation; it happens in connection, in relationship. I am sure Esther Perel agrees.
5. Undoing toxic begins with self-compassion.
This may be the hardest lesson of all. For so many of us, self-compassion feels foreign. We know how to extend grace to others, but when it comes to ourselves, we are often our own harshest critics.
But the truth is, the way you treat yourself sets the tone for every other relationship. If you are unforgiving with yourself, boundaries will feel impossible. If you constantly judge yourself, connection will feel fragile. If you do not believe you are worthy of love, you may find yourself in situations settling for less than you deserve calling it “good enough.”
Undoing toxic means starting with the voice inside your own head and learning to trust it. Trusting yourself. It means learning to say, “I am doing the best I can.” It means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer to a loved one. When you begin there, everything else shifts.
These lessons are not just mine—they have been shaped by the incredible people I have had the privilege of working with and learning from over the past five years. If you’ve been part of this journey in any way, thank you.
Undoing toxic is lifelong work. It takes courage, honesty, and so much grace. As I step into the next chapter of therapywithmo, I look forward to continuing to walk alongside you in this work. Thank you for five beautiful years, and I look forward to continuing to serve for many more.
I’d love to hear from you: Which of these lessons resonates most with you right now?
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
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