Until the Mirror Says Otherwise
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I felt compelled to write this blog today, off-schedule, to share personal reflections, contemplations, and healing. One of the most liberating truths I have learned—as a woman first and a relationship therapist—is this: we choose things, people, and situations… until we don’t. We choose certain patterns, relationships, or behaviors—sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously—because they serve a need, meet a comfort, or feel familiar. And then one day, the same choice that once felt like survival or what we once hoped and prayed for starts to feel far from what was once desired.
I titled my post-graduate presentation “When You’re Ready,” because while simple, it was a profound lesson I arrived at in my personal work and working relationship as a therapist. People change when they are ready. Even simpler, procrastination is something we engage in until we finally face the task and get it done. “Until” is an important transition word we need to hold on to.
There’s a moment in life when the excuses run out. When “this is just how it is” stops feeling like an explanation and starts feeling like a cage. When we realize we’ve been sitting in the passenger seat of our own life for far too long, letting circumstances, other people, or old patterns dictate the route.
Change doesn’t happen just because we want it to—at least, not right away. Change happens when we are ready. And in relationships, this is crucial to understand: Despite what you bring to the attention of others you are connected to, explaining and legitimizing your pain…if they choose to, or do not see it, we can’t force it. Their not seeing or or lack of acknowledgement does not nullify or invalidate your experience. They just can’t or refuse to meet you where you are. As a therapist and a woman of many relational roles, of course I believe in the power of exchange through conversation and dialogue. Hard truth: all this can be futile if not met with active listening, understanding, and release of assuming a defensive posture while being held accountable.
This is why setting the intention for an exchange- long or short, is important. Until someone is ready, all the logic, advice, or pushing in the world will not make transformation stick.
The Stages of Change
In the mental health/therapy field, we have something called “motivational interviewing” or MI. It is a straight-forward way of confronting a challenge or constraint when a therapist is working with someone facing some sort of dilemma. We talk about the “stages of change.” Change is a process. We can apply it to any shift we want to make: ending a toxic relationship, setting boundaries, starting therapy, quitting a habit, or finally speaking up for ourselves. Change isn’t just about willpower—it’s about timing, readiness, and self-permission.
Precontemplation – We don’t yet see a need for change. You don’t think change is necessary (or possible).
Contemplation – We start to recognize something isn’t working. You start to wonder if there’s a better way.
Preparation – We make small steps toward action. You begin planning for what’s next.
Action – We actively shift our behaviors. You take tangible steps toward change.
Maintenance – We work to sustain the change. You sustain and protect the progress you’ve made.
It’s not a straight line—it’s a spiral. We revisit stages, we stall, we accelerate. But each time we come back to the thought, I don’t have to keep choosing this, we inch closer to reclaiming the wheel of our own lives.
From Self-Criticism to Self-Forgiveness
Often, before people change, they sit in a period of intense self-criticism—angry with themselves for “wasting time” or “putting up with X for so long.” But healing requires that we forgive ourselves for what we tolerated when we didn’t know better, weren’t ready, or didn’t have the tools. Change is hard because the unspoken undercurrent is grief. Grief requires us to have lost or accept we will lose something once cherished and to let it go.
Self-forgiveness isn’t letting yourself “off the hook”—it’s releasing yourself from the anchor of shame so you can move forward, also called giving yourself grace.
The truth is, change often starts with self-criticism:
“How did I let this go on so long?”
“How did I tolerate that behavior?”
“How did I ignore all those red flags?”
But staying in that place only keeps us stuck. The real movement comes when we shift into self-forgiveness. We acknowledge the choices we made with the tools we had at the time, and we commit to doing better now that we know better, and want better. This is where we reclaim the wheel of our lives and relationships.
A Therapist’s Perspective: Midwifing Change
I pivoted from the track of becoming a nursing healthcare professional more than 10 years ago. Funny enough, a former supervisor, in addressing our anxieties as newer therapists gave us this gem: “Being a therapist is much like a midwife. What is going to happen, will happen.” We are chosen, privileged witnesses to our clients in all moments. We are often holders of spaces containing deep truths, pain, and secrets, so when we witness someone giving birth to a new way of living, being, or thinking…it is somewhat parallel to what a birthing midwife does: support. We can’t make it happen for them. We are present at the moments transformation, but the person themselves does the labor. We cannot push before the moment is right. Change is a co-creation, and my job is to help someone trust their timing while holding hope for them when they cannot. We also can do this for ourselves and find community to hold space for our experiences.
The Simple Wisdom of Readiness
Why do I make reference to a mirror in today’s blog? I would like to pay respect to my former, late supervisor/mentor, Sippio Small, LCSW-R, for the simple wisdom he shared with us from Michael Jackson. “Man In The Mirror,” a classic song, talks about what we need, what it takes, where and with whom change starts with: “If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change.”
It starts with the man—or woman, or person—in the mirror.
Undoing toxic patterns—whether in relationships, habits, or self-talk—isn’t a single decision. It’s a series of decisions: People make changes when they are tired of their own excuses.
When they are tired of the pain.
When they finally believe they deserve better and more.
Until then, the best thing we can do—for ourselves and for others—is to hold space, offer compassion, and trust that when the readiness comes, the road will be there waiting. There’s no shame in the “until.” In fact, the “until” is where your power lives.
I choose this—until I no longer choose this. I choose this—until the mirror says otherwise.
Thank you for reading.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.
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