Quiet Quitting Relationships
Undoing Toxic Patterns of Withholding, Disconnecting, and Staying Past the Expiration Date
In reflecting on grief, relationships, relational injuries including betrayal, I wonder: is there ever a “good” way to end relationships? We talk about quiet quitting more when referring to the workplace. “Quiet quitting” is when someone shows up physically but has emotionally checked out. They may do what’s required, but no more. No excitement. No initiative. No emotional investment. And when someone reaches the point of “quiet quitting”- the only thing they may know for certain is that they want to get out of the situation at hand whether it is a job or relationship, nothing more.
But quiet quitting doesn’t only happen in jobs. It happens in relationships too.
We ghost slowly — from the inside out.
We stop initiating intimacy.
We offer surface conversation instead of truth.
We perform presence while privately planning a concerted exit — or worse, no longer caring enough to even plan.
There is not always a big fight or confrontration. Just a steady erosion of emotional engagement. And the hardest part is sometimes even we do not realize we are consciously sabotaging our relational connections with others.
What Quiet Quitting Looks Like in Relationships
You may still text back and keep the lines of communication open. You may still go on dates or attend planned events.
But something is different on an energetic level- you don’t bring your whole self anymore. The emotional door is cracked — not open. We call this “moving through the motions.”
Some signs of quiet quitting a relationship:
You feel like a shell of who you were at the start
You stop making future plans or fantasizing about “what’s next”
You tell yourself, It’s not that bad, but feel resentful or numb
You play it safe- avoidance of initiating or engaging in deep conversations or addressing recurring issues
You don’t feel safe asking for what you need, or you’ve given up
You’re more emotionally engaged with friends, coworkers, or other interests more than your partner
It’s not always conscious. It can feel like protection. But it’s still disconnection.
The Role of Attachment Styles
To understand quiet quitting, we have to look at attachment theory — the blueprint we carry from early life experiences into adult relationships.
Avoidant Attachment:
Most likely to quiet quit. You’ve learned to self-soothe, suppress your needs, and retreat when things feel overwhelming or vulnerable. Instead of confronting the pain, you detach. Quiet quitting feels like a safer route than conflict or vulnerability.Anxious Attachment:
You may quiet quit after repeatedly trying and feeling rejected. It may look like passive withdrawal, a test to see if they notice, or emotional shutdown after perceived abandonment. You want closeness — but you also fear more hurt.Disorganized Attachment:
You may oscillate between clinging and shutting down. You quiet quit and then panic, re-engage and then retreat. There’s an internal tug-of-war between wanting intimacy and fearing it.Secure Attachment:
Least likely to quiet quit. More likely to address issues directly, express needs, and tolerate discomfort to preserve connection or create closure.
Quiet quitting is often a coping mechanism for people who weren’t taught how to repair ruptures, name emotional needs, or feel safe being honest.
Is Quiet Quitting Cowardly?
This question gets asked a lot — and it’s complex.
Sometimes, yes it is. Quiet quitting a relationship can be an act of avoidance. It can be a way of delaying the inevitable — avoiding discomfort, truth-telling, or the grief of ending something that once felt familiar or safe. It often shows up as emotional withdrawal, apathy, or passive resentment rather than direct communication.
But other times? It’s self-protection.
It can happen after you’ve expressed yourself over and over again and nothing changes. After you’ve been gaslit, dismissed, or made to feel like you’re the problem. After you've been trained — through trauma, upbringing, or past experiences — to prioritize keeping the peace over telling your truth. In these cases, quiet quitting is not cowardice; it is a survival strategy.
Still, survival strategies can come at a cost.
Quiet quitting is also a form of betrayal — not just to the relationship, but to yourself. When you remain in something you have emotionally checked out of without giving voice to your experience, you rob yourself of clarity, closure, and agency. You begin to shrink. To silence your needs. To perform connection without actually being in it. It’s a slow erosion of integrity.
It’s also a betrayal to the other person — not in a villainous way, but in a quiet, painful one. When we seek refuge in others (friends, family, even emotional and physical/sexual affairs) without ever letting the person we’re actually in relationship with know that something is broken, we deny them the opportunity to show up, to shift, or even to say goodbye with honesty. Everyone around you may know the relationship is unraveling — except the person it’s happening to. That imbalance creates confusion, mistrust, and sometimes lasting emotional damage.
Quiet quitting might feel easier in the moment — less dramatic, less confrontational — but it creates a kind of ghosting within a relationship. You’re still there, but you’re no longer present. Over time, this dynamic leaves both people hurting: one feeling abandoned without explanation, and the other trapped in a cycle of silence and resentment.
Undoing toxic patterns means learning to face discomfort instead of avoiding it. It means honoring your truth, even when your voice shakes. Because real connection — or real closure — can only happen when honesty is part of the equation.
But Jobs Get Notices — Shouldn’t Relationships?
If you were leaving a job, you’d give notice. You’d prepare your exit. You’d wrap things up and say goodbye (at least in theory). And before it got to this point, you may have voiced some of your concerns/grievances before calling it quits. Why don’t we use a similar approach in relationships?
Because emotional honesty is terrifying — especially in situations where you weren’t allowed to have needs, be angry, or say "this no longer serves me." Some may be fearful of the confrontation/reckoning that comes with speaking up on an uncomfortable truth.
But if we’re committed to undoing toxic, we have to practice relational clarity. That doesn’t mean being brutal. It means being honest — with ourselves and others.
Here’s what that can look like:
“I’ve noticed I’ve been pulling away, and I want to talk about why.”
“Something in me is shutting down. Can we explore what’s going on?”
“I care about you, but I’m not feeling emotionally connected anymore. Can we be honest about where we are?”
You don’t need a villain to walk away. You just need the truth. And the courage to stop performing closeness you no longer feel.
Reflection: Have You Ever Quiet Quit?
Ask yourself:
Have I stopped showing up fully in a relationship but stayed out of fear or guilt?
Do I avoid conflict at the cost of connection?
What story am I telling myself to justify staying?
What do I fear would happen if I told the truth?
There’s no shame in realizing you’ve emotionally checked out.
But staying silent about it is what keeps both people stuck in a cycle of confusion and loneliness.
Undoing Toxic: Choosing Truth Over Tolerating
Quiet quitting isn’t always the villain — but it’s never the path to true connection.
We undo toxic when we stop mistaking silence for peace. When we stop mistaking proximity for partnership. When we stop ghosting people we once said we loved — even if that ghosting is slow and quiet. You don’t have to stay where you can’t be honest. You don’t have to leave in silence, either.
You deserve relationships where you can be fully present — not halfway in, halfway out.
And if that’s not possible?
You deserve to exit with clarity, not shame.
With courage, not collapse.
With love — even if it's the kind that lets go.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
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