When Chicken a Go Big: Learning to Trust Again

Lately, I have been reflecting on how often fear quietly shows up when life is actually going well. In my work as a therapist, in conversations with friends, and in my own personal growth, I have noticed how many of us are learning to receive healthy connection after becoming so used to navigating disappointment. When you have done the work to build stability, healthier relationships, and emotional awareness, a new challenge sometimes appears: learning how to trust what feels good instead of preparing for when it might disappear. Writing from both personal reflection and the wisdom I grew up with in my Jamaican family, I keep returning to the saying, “When chicken a go big, you see it a dem feet.” Just like the proverb teaches, patterns reveal themselves over time, and part of trusting again is observing carefully, patiently, and intentionally. Today, I wanted to write about this because it is a part of healing we do not often talk about: the transition from surviving relationships to actually allowing ourselves to experience them fully.

Breaking the Habit of Anticipating the Ending

There was a time when one of my first internal questions when meeting someone new—whether a friend or romantic interest—was not, “Do I like this person? or How does this connection feel?”

It was:
How long will this last?

Sometimes the thought came even faster:
I wonder what the end is going to be.

Not if. But when. That mindset does not come from nowhere. Disappointment teaches you to brace for impact early. When you have experienced loss, inconsistency, emotional unavailability, or relationships that changed without warning, your mind tries to get ahead of the pain. You learn to emotionally prepare from the beginning because somewhere along the way you learned that being caught off guard hurts more.

So you make a quiet deal with yourself:
If I expect less, maybe it will hurt less.
If I stay ready, I will not be surprised.
If I prepare for the ending, maybe I can control the pain.

Overthinking and anxiety reinforce this story. When something eventually does not work out, the inner voice says:
You knew it.
You saw the signs.
This is why you don’t get too invested.

Except the truth is, we were invested. We just didn’t allow ourselves to be fully present while we were in the connection.

How Attachment Shapes How Safe Love Feels

In my work as a therapist, and in my own personal reflection, I have come to understand how deeply attachment experiences shape this fear of loss. When you have experienced inconsistency in connection, even strong and capable people can develop protective attachment strategies.

Sometimes this looks like anxious attachment—where you may crave connection but also fear its instability. Sometimes it looks like avoidant patterns—where independence feels safer than emotional reliance. Sometimes it looks like a mix of both: wanting closeness while simultaneously preparing for distance.

What often gets misunderstood is this: these patterns are not character flaws. They are adaptations. They are ways we learned to emotionally survive environments where connection did not always feel predictable or secure.

If love felt inconsistent, you may become hyperaware.
If care felt conditional, you may become overgiving.
If connection felt temporary, you may become cautious about fully attaching.

None of this means you are “too much” or “too guarded.” It often just means you learned to love in environments where emotional safety was not guaranteed.

Love Languages and Survival

Sometimes even our love languages become shaped by survival instead of preference.

The five love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts—describe the different ways people tend to give and receive love. At their core, they reflect how we most naturally feel seen, valued, and emotionally secure.

But when we have experienced relational wounds, these preferences can sometimes become adaptations.

For example, someone who values quality time may not just enjoy presence—they may be seeking consistency. Someone who values words of affirmation may be trying to quiet past emotional unpredictability. Someone who overgives through acts of service may have learned early that being needed felt safer than simply being valued. Someone who values physical touch may associate appropriate closeness with reassurance, while someone who values gifts may see thoughtfulness as a sign they are being remembered and considered.

When fear of loss is present, love languages can quietly turn into reassurance-seeking strategies. We may find ourselves wondering:
Are they as invested as I am?
Does their effort match mine?
Is this secure or temporary?
Am I safe here?

At that point, we are not just loving—we are monitoring.

Healing often involves learning the difference between expressing how we feel loved and constantly seeking reassurance that love won’t disappear. Part of undoing toxic patterns is allowing love languages to return to what they were meant to be: ways to experience connection, not strategies for protection. Healing sometimes involves learning the difference between seeking connection and seeking constant reassurance that connection won’t disappear.

Breaking Up With Old Narratives

One of the most important parts of undoing toxic relational patterns is not just changing behaviors. It is breaking up with the internal narratives we formed about what relationships mean.

Narratives like: Nothing good lasts. People always change. If I relax, I’ll get hurt. I have to stay ready.

These narratives often feel like wisdom because they were built from real experiences. And for many of us, especially those raised in cultures where survival and resilience were necessary, these lessons were also reinforced through cultural sayings meant to protect us.

Growing up in a Jamaican family, I often hear proverbs like:
“Once bitten, twice shy.” (Pain teaches caution.)

“Don’t run down anything weh a run lef yuh.” (Don’t chase what chooses to leave you.)

“When chicken a go big, you see it a dem feet.” (You can see future character in present behavior.)

“Tek time know people.” (Take your time getting to know people.)

“Every disappointment is for a good.” (Even painful experiences can redirect you.)

“Not every smile is a good smile.” (Not everyone who appears kind has good intentions.)

“All that glitters is not gold.” (Appearance does not equal substance.)

“Empty barrel mek the most noise.” (Pay attention to substance, not just words.)

“One one cocoa full basket.” (Healthy things are built slowly and consistently.)

“Patient man ride donkey.” (Patience takes you further than rushing.)

“Show me your company and I will tell you who you are.” (Relationships reflect values.)

“Monkey know which tree fi climb.” (People move where they feel they benefit—watch motives and patterns.)

These sayings carry wisdom. They teach discernment, self-respect, and emotional caution. They remind us not to abandon ourselves in the pursuit of connection. They come from generations who had to learn how to protect their dignity, their hearts, and their survival.

But sometimes what was meant to teach discernment can quietly turn into emotional distancing.

Sometimes once bitten twice shy becomes never trust again.
Sometimes don’t chase what leaves you becomes don’t fully attach at all.
Sometimes take your time knowing people becomes never fully let people know you.

Part of growth is learning how to hold the wisdom without becoming trapped by the fear.

Part of healing is asking:
Is this belief protecting me, or limiting me?
Is this thought based on my current reality, or my past pain?
Am I relating to this person, or to my history?

Breaking up with these narratives does not mean rejecting where you come from. It does not mean dismissing the wisdom that helped previous generations survive. It means recognizing that survival wisdom and healing wisdom are sometimes different stages of growth.

It means deciding that while your past may inform you, it does not get to dictate every future connection.

Sometimes undoing toxic patterns means updating the narrative:
Yes, be discerning.
Yes, move with wisdom.
Yes, protect your peace.

But also:
Allow consistency to exist.
Allow people to show you who they are.
Allow yourself to experience connection without assuming loss. Healing is not about becoming unwise. It is about becoming both wise and open.

When Fear Projects Onto the Present

One of the subtle ways our past pain shows up is by projecting it onto new people in our lives. Sometimes, without realizing it, we make someone else pay for the mistakes, hurt, or disappointments we experienced with others. We may test, monitor, or even doubt them in ways that are more about our history than who they are in the present.

There is nothing wrong with naming dealbreakers, setting boundaries, or being clear about what we will and will not accept. That is healthy discernment. But when fear drives us to poke holes for reassurance—constantly seeking proof that someone won’t hurt us—we can inadvertently harm people who are actually showing up with good intentions.

“All relationships must be tested.” We must allow people the opportunity to show up—or not, to follow through on what they said they would, and to demonstrate whether they are reciprocal. We cannot act reactively or call something off based on assumptions or projections alone; we need to observe their behavior, patterns, and consistency before drawing conclusions.

While this is something many of us struggle with, it also highlights an essential responsibility of healing: we need relationships to heal relational wounds. We don’t heal in isolation. Connection, consistency, and the courage to allow people to show up as themselves are necessary parts of undoing toxic patterns. Being aware of our projections allows us to engage in relationships more consciously, giving both ourselves and others space to grow and demonstrate trustworthiness without being unfairly measured against our past.

The Challenge of Asking for Help

As someone who has experienced disappointment, I know how hard it can be to ask for help. You have learned that you can usually handle things yourself; you can figure it out, problem-solve, or even throw money at finding a solution. Asking for help feels vulnerable because it requires trust, and trust has been tested before.

There’s always the quiet, lingering question: What if they don’t show up? What if I end up back in the same place, figuring it out alone like I always do? Disappointment teaches us self-reliance, but it can also make it harder to let others in. Even when someone has good intentions, the fear of being let down can hold us back from experiencing connection, support, and shared responsibility.

Part of undoing toxic relational patterns, and part of personal healing, is learning to navigate that tension. It means acknowledging your history of disappointment while also allowing space for people to show up differently this time. It means recognizing that vulnerability carries risk, but also that connection is necessary for healing. We cannot fully learn to trust, receive support, or experience reciprocity if we never take the chance to ask.

Learning From Healthy Relationships Around You

One of the most practical ways to undo fear-based narratives is to intentionally observe the healthy, consistent relationships that already exist in your life.

This is something I often encourage both personally and professionally:
Look at the people who do show up consistently.

The friend who checks in.
The colleague who follows through.
The family member who creates emotional safety.
The relationships where you do not feel like you have to perform or people-please to be valued.

Ask yourself:
1. What qualities exist in these relationships?
2. What values do they reflect?
3. What makes these relationships feel safe?

Often the answers include things like:
Consistency
Honesty
Reciprocity
Emotional safety
Accountability
Respect for boundaries
Repair after conflict

When we begin to study healthy relationships instead of only analyzing painful ones, we start expanding our internal definition of what connection can look like.

We begin to see that stability is not rare.
Consistency is not boring.
Healthy love is not confusing.

It is clear.
It is steady.
It is intentional.

Allowing Yourself to Fully Arrive

One of the hardest shifts in healing is allowing yourself to fully arrive in relationships instead of emotionally standing halfway out the door. Fear of loss often makes us partially invest. We care, but with conditions. We show up, but cautiously. We trust, but with an exit strategy.

But connection requires presence.

And presence requires risk.

Sometimes undoing toxic patterns means allowing yourself to say:
I will let this be what it is.
I will not rush the ending.
I will not sabotage the middle because I fear the end.

Because the truth is, anticipating someone’s departure does not protect your heart. It just prevents your heart from fully experiencing what is here now.

A Personal Reflection

One of the things I continue to practice is reminding myself that not every connection needs a projected ending. Some relationships are meant to teach. Some are meant to last. Some are meant to change. But all deserve the chance to be experienced without fear narrating the entire story.

I’ve had to learn to challenge my own early thoughts:
How long will this last?

And replace it with something more grounded:
Is this healthy right now?
Is this reciprocal right now?
Is this aligned with my values right now?

Because sometimes the real work is not predicting longevity. It is recognizing alignment. If fear of loss has ever made you hesitate to fully invest in connection, you are not alone. Many strong, self-aware, emotionally capable people (even therapists) are quietly doing the work of unlearning survival patterns that once protected them.

Part of undoing toxic patterns is allowing yourself to believe something different:

That consistency exists.
That healthy love exists.
That safe friendship exists.
That you do not have to emotionally leave before anyone else does.

And sometimes healing looks like this simple but powerful shift:

Not asking how long will this last,
but asking how fully can I show up while it is here and believing that you deserve it.

Thank you for reading.

Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com

Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)

For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.

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