Undoing Toxic: 5 Lessons That Changed My Relationships Forever
This morning, I woke up and saw a Facebook memory from the day I graduated with my master’s in social work. It was one of the best days of my life—so far.
I looked at my smile in that photo, eyes wide with happiness and relief. I saw a woman who had survived heartbreak, disappointment, and incredible amounts of pressure. A woman who had poured blood, sweat, and tears into her healing and her purpose. And finally, she had something to show for it.
The truth is, until the year before that photo, my life had followed a pretty linear path. I pivoted from a pre-nursing trajectory to social work, fallen in love with family therapy, and mapped out the next five years of my career. I felt alive. I had studied abroad for the first time—an experience that would lead to many more trips to France, unforgettable memories, new friends, and new love.
What wasn’t visible in that graduation photo was the invisible weight I’d been carrying. Years of over-functioning, people-pleasing, and internalizing the belief that my worth was tied to what I could do for others—in all relationships including family.
There are two types of pain we carry: the kind that keeps us stuck, and the kind that sets us free. For years, I lived with the first kind—internalized pain disguised as loyalty. I stayed silent. I over-functioned. I held space for people who didn’t know how to hold space for me. And like many women—especially daughters—I believed I was the problem. Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too much.
What I didn’t know was that I was carrying generations of unspoken grief, emotional enmeshment, and survival strategies passed down as love. It wasn’t until I began naming those patterns that the healing started. Healing doesn’t just happen in classrooms or on therapy couches, or now on zoom. Healing happens when life invites you to look at what hurts, over and over, until you stop turning away.
In today’s blog, I want to share five (5) of the most important lessons that changed my relationships—and my life. These are not polished affirmations. They’re hard-won truths. They’re rooted in therapy, reflection, heartbreak, and healing.
If you have ever felt responsible for other people’s emotions, ashamed of your needs, or stuck in a loop of guilt and resentment—you are not alone.
1. Love That Costs Your Peace Is Too Expensive
I was raised to believe that love meant sacrifice. It’s what I, like many others saw. That “good daughters” show up no matter what.
Stay quiet to keep the peace. Never challenge authority—especially not a mother’s.
And beyond family, I learned that being a “good woman” in romantic relationships meant bringing peace, not pressure.
Don’t stress him out.
Don’t start.
Don’t nag.
We were taught that to keep love, we must be easy. Uncomplicated. Low maintenance. So even when something hurts, even when we know a conversation needs to happen—we bite our tongues. We trade our voice for what we think is calm. We swallow our needs to keep the peace.
But here’s the truth:
Love that demands your silence is not peace—it’s suppression.
Love that asks you to betray yourself isn’t love. It’s control.
Real love holds space for your full humanity.
Your emotions.
Your needs.
Your boundaries.
Your voice.
If every interaction leaves you drained, anxious, or emotionally bruised, it’s not love. You deserve relationships where your presence doesn’t require your disappearance.
Reflection:
Who benefits from your silence? And what would it cost you to speak?
2. You’re Not Healing Wrong—You’re Just Grieving a Fantasy
One of the hardest parts of healing is accepting that someone you love may never become who you need them to be.
For a long time, I held out hope.
If I explained myself better, gave more grace, worked harder—maybe they would finally see me. But they didn’t. And that fantasy—that I created in my mind—kept me stuck.
Sometimes, we don’t realize that hope can hurt. Hope can sound noble. It can look like faith. But sometimes, it’s a slow self-abandonment. We have to know when to leave.
The party. The friendship. The job. The relationship.
Because there’s a moment when holding on to what could be starts costing you who you really are.
Hope can be inspiring. But, it can also be paralyzing. When do we stop dreaming and start accepting what’s right in front of us. What’s being presented to you—over and over—might actually be as good as it gets. And if that’s not enough to nourish you, love you, or see you clearly—it’s okay to walk away.
Letting go didn’t mean I stopped loving. It meant I stopped abandoning myself. Grieving the fantasy is a quieter grief. It doesn’t always come with rituals or closure. But it’s real. And it’s freeing.
Truth: You don’t have to stay in relationships built on potential.
You deserve presence—right here, right now.
3. Boundaries Are Not Betrayal—They Are Self-Respect
For so long, I equated boundaries with rejection. I thought saying "no" meant I was being difficult, or worse—disrespectful. Especially in mother-daughter relationships, where enmeshment is often normalized, saying “I need space” feels like cutting an emotional lifeline. But boundaries don’t disconnect us—they clarify connection. They say, “This is how I can stay in this relationship without losing myself.”
And if that’s not honored? That’s data, not failure.
Mantra: I can love someone and still choose myself.
4. Forgiveness Is a Solo Journey
We’re taught that healing and “true forgiveness” must involve reconciliation. That true growth means going back and hugging it out. But for many of us, especially those healing from harm, that version of closure will never come. And that’s okay. Forgiveness doesn’t require contact. It doesn’t require their apology either. Sometimes, the person we struggle to forgive is ourselves. This can look like very critical statements about ourselves, beating ourselves up for tolerating and accepting less than we deserve while giving with the same heart.
It’s not about absolving someone—it’s about releasing yourself from the grip of resentment. You can make peace with the past without reopening the door.
Reminder: Forgiveness is freedom. Reconnection is optional.
5. You’re Allowed to Outgrow the Version of You That Survived
The version of me that learned to stay small, say yes when I meant no, and over-function in relationships? She kept me safe and gave me what I thought I wanted. But survival mode isn’t meant to be a permanent state of being. At some point, you have to leave behind who you became to survive and step into who you’re becoming to live. And yes, it’s scary. Yes, it feels like losing everything at first. But it’s the only way to make room for joy, intimacy, and freedom.
Affirmation: I honor who I was—and I choose who I’m becoming.
You Are Not Broken—You’re Becoming
These lessons continue to shape the way I show up for myself, therapy-seekers, and the relationships I choose to nurture. The lessons are also at the heart of Undoing Toxic: Lessons in Relationships—a book rooted in personal truth, insight, and stories of healing in real time.
Healing isn’t always pretty. It’s not linear. And it certainly isn’t quick. But it is possible.
You can unlearn survival patterns. You can set boundaries without guilt. You can grieve what you didn’t receive and still move forward with grace.
You are not too much. You are not broken. You are not behind.
You are undoing toxic—and that’s sacred work.
Coming Soon: Undoing Toxic: Lessons in Relationships
This blog is just a preview of what’s to come. In the book, I dive deeper into each of these lessons with reflective exercises, stories, and guided journal prompts to help you process your own experiences. If you're navigating complex family dynamics, especially mother-daughter pain, this book was written with you in mind.
👉 Want to be the first to know when it's released?
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