No Contact Is Not Cruelty: Redefining Distance as Healing
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I want to explore redefining how using distance as healing can be an empowering choice and not something that makes someone toxic or unwilling to communicate. A recent and popular term in the dating world- “no contact” is used to describe when one person cuts off contact with someone and in some cases works really hard to uphold that boundary.
No contact is a firm, intentional decision to stop communication and cut off access to someone who causes emotional harm, chaos, or confusion in your life.
It can apply to:
A toxic parent or family member
An emotionally unavailable ex
A manipulative friend
Anyone who repeatedly disrespects your boundaries
To be honest, most people don’t go no contact because they want to. They go no contact because they have run out of options. And yet—when you pull away from someone who’s been hurting you, whether it’s a family member, a partner, or someone you used to call your best friend—you’re often met with guilt, confusion, and judgment.
“But she’s your mom.”
“You’re just going to block him like that?”
“Every relationship has problems.”
We’ve normalized staying in relationships that hurt us… and labeled leaving as cruel.
But the truth is simple:
Choosing peace over chaos is not cruelty.
Creating distance is not a lack of love—it’s often the first real act of self-love.
Believe it or not, many people wrestle with themselves on ending a connection of a short time and those they have known for years. If you have read some of my previous blogs, I have reflected on how in relationships (all kinds), we grieve what things could have been like with someone (potential) and also change- what will my life be like without this person? So, when someone finally makes the decision to go “no contact” it is often after exploring many other ways the connection could have been saved.
What No Contact Actually Means
No contact doesn’t always mean forever. It doesn’t always mean hate. It means: I’ve tried. I’ve asked. I’ve hoped. And I’m done betraying myself to stay connected to you.
It means:
I don’t have to answer every call from the parent who only reaches out to criticize me.
I don’t have to stay friends with someone who constantly drains me and never shows up.
I don’t have to keep dating someone who plays manipulative mind games and calls it love.
I don’t have to explain my silence to someone who never heard me when I spoke.
Why It Feels So Hard
We may have been taught to believe:
“Family is everything.” Even if it’s the family that breaks your spirit.
“You don’t just cut people off.” Even when they’ve crossed every boundary.
“It wasn’t that bad.” Because toxic dynamics are often subtle—and shame makes us question our own pain.
“Leaving means you’re cold.” Especially if you’re a woman, a daughter, or someone raised to be the peacemaker.
But here's what I want you to hear: Distance is not coldness. It's clarity.
No Contact in Dating, Breakups, and Love
Let’s talk dating. You’re not mean for blocking the ex who keeps circling the block trying to check if they still have access to you months after the breakup. You’re not dramatic for walking away from someone who made you question your worth. You’re not “doing too much” if you stop responding to the person who only shows up when it’s convenient for them.
Once you’ve done some healing and started learning your patterns, the red flags get harder to ignore—and your tolerance for chaos gets way lower. You start to recognize when someone’s inconsistency, love-bombing, or avoidance isn’t chemistry, it’s a warning. Going no contact isn’t just about blocking someone—it’s about blocking the pattern that kept you stuck. It helps you move on faster, reclaim your clarity, and reinforce your boundaries in real time. You stop entertaining “potential” and start expecting respect. Because once you’ve seen the cycle, staying in it is no longer an accident—it’s a choice.
You’re allowed to break your own cycle.
Especially when your past is filled with staying too long, explaining too much, or shrinking too small.
No contact often follows years of:
Justifying someone’s behavior
Taking accountability for problems that weren’t yours
Hoping they’ll change
Feeling guilty for needing space
Until one day, you wake up and say:
“I’m done.”
And that doesn’t make you heartless. It means you’ve finally stopped abandoning yourself.
Ask Yourself:
Who in your life do you feel anxious before and after interacting with?
Where are you giving more than you’re receiving?
Who has shown you—repeatedly—that they’re not willing to meet you in a healthy way?
You Are Allowed To:
Walk away without permission.
Create peace even if no one understands it.
Choose silence when connection has become a source of pain.
You don’t owe anyone continued access to you. No contact is not cruelty—it’s a boundary for people who kept crossing yours.
Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)
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